To The Men I’ve Loved

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Thank you.

Thank you for not being the person I thought you were. I needed to break myself over you so that I could put myself back together. I never would have been able to do that if you really were the person I wanted you to be.

Thank you for the nights you called when I didn’t expect it and the times you didn’t call when I did. That was very confusing and exhilarating. I appreciated every second of it, even the awful ones. I felt alive.

Thank you for going for walks that I thought were much more romantic than you did. And thank you for letting me think that, for playing dumb. You were kind of a dick sometimes, walking five paces ahead of me, but then you realized you were being a dick and slowed down to walk beside me again. Those were the most and least alone moments of my life at the time.

Thank you for being clingy and distant, for thinking I was Great and then hating me, and for wanting to just be friends even though you knew there was no way in Christ’s hell that we could do that. What were you thinking? You were funny.

I appreciated the gesture, though. I still do.

Thank you for not being my soul mate. God, we would’ve ruined each other! It is so much better this way, isn’t it?

 

And I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for being messy. For not respecting your boundaries and for enjoying picking at your scabs. That was rude. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was.

I’m sorry that I loved you and didn’t love you at all. That must have been very confusing for you. I loved the you I thought you were, but that you was not really you. I’m most sorry for that. If you realized I was doing this, you must have felt this big:

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I never, ever meant to make you feel this big:

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And I hope you are happy.

I really do.

I’m not just saying that in a creepy, passive aggressive way, or because I feel like that’s the thing you’re supposed to say to the person you used to love. I used to say it for that reason. I used to not mean it. But that’s not true anymore. I mean it now.

I hope you’ve found a person who makes you enjoy cuddling and laughs when you fart and ties your ties for you. I want you to be with someone who gives you that face that tells you, “I’m not buying your bullshit,” and when you see that face you make your own face that says, “Okay, I’m sorry.”

I want you to climb out of yourself every once in a while and see who you are from far away – I don’t know if you’ll be able to do that without this person in your life, whoever he or she is. I know I wasn’t able to.

I want you to sit on the couch and climb mountains and go dancing with this person. I want you to be still. I know you don’t like to be still very much, but with this person you will. It will feel very different with them. When they’re being still next to you you’ll feel complete and quiet and warm inside. Your foot will not tap anxiously. You’ll like it.

And I guess it all makes sense to me now, why we didn’t work. I mean, we did work, just not very well.

And I’m so glad for that. For all of it.

I hope you are, too.

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